Thursday, May 29, 2008

Chewing My Cheeks

My dad knows about this blog, but I don't think he reads it too much--he'd rather hear it from me than read about it. But if he saw the title of this post, he'd be inclined to read on.

He was the first one to notice that I chew the insides of my cheeks: a) when I'm thinking really hard about something; b) stressed out; c) feeling guilty
We'd be in the middle of a conversation, and I'd hear "Quit chewing your cheeks--what's bothering you?"

Well Dad, quite a bit.

I only noticed I was chewing because I haven't done it in a long time. My mouth starts to get sore, because Im moving and shifting my face muscles so much. I know, this isn't the most glamorous thing to read about, but it's the best way I know how to describe the state of mind I've been in the past few days. Or should I say, state of cheek...

Reason #1 for Cheek Chewing:

Mook was scheduled to have minor surgery on Tuesday. Long story short: his parents refused to believe that he had heart burn at the tender age of 16, and as a result of not taking him to the doctor then, we are now either dealing with an intestinal tear or worse. We finally arranged for our general practitioner to schedule the surgery with a gastro-doc (after months of useless pills). Well, wouldn't ya know they gave us the wrong prep schedule. This was simply the appointment to make the appointment. Yea, I know-complete crap. Dr. Gastro said he needed to meet Mook first, and make sure it wasn't just heartburn. Did you read his medical chart, a-hole?! When he told us that "this happens a lot--people come in thinking they are having surgery" I wanted to scream "Don't you think you need to fix that?!"
Dr. Gastro said he is definitely concerned, and Mook needs to have surgery ASAP. His definition of ASAP is July 1st. Poor Mook--Im surprised he hasn't given up all hope when it comes to doctors. First that, and now this...

Reason #2 for Cheek Chewing:

Money, ya'll. We thought we had a loan all figured out, and it's just come crashing down. I hate that Mook and I snap at each other because of money. I haven't had reason to really pay attention to the mortgage rates and the real estate market, because we weren't planning on moving/selling. Now I care a lot because it's affecting the loan amount/line of credit we qualify for. The last 30 minutes at work yesterday was spent starring at the wall...and guess what I was doing: chewing the crap out of my cheeks. I swear it makes me think harder and smarter. I've got a few more things to try, but I'm scarred about our financial future. Even scarier is the fact that we have no guarantee that this loan will bring us any closer to our dream. It makes me sick to think about...

Reason #3 for Cheek Chewing:

I don't even really know how to put this into words, but I've thought it for a long time: I can't imagine myself pregnant. I feel guilty about it...it sounds so simple to say, but I cannot grasp the fact that I will experience this gift. I see the new ultrasounds of blog buddies who are seeing their baby for the first time, and I can't even wrap my head around the fact that I could have that. I don't feel like I've expressed this properly, but it has made for some serious cheek chewing time. Since I have never even seen the slightest shade of a 2nd line on a HPT, I have no knowledge of what that feeling is like. Maybe I should compare it to your first kiss: you never thought it would happen; all you could do was daydream about what you saw in the movies. But when it did happen...I bet you can't even find the words to describe how you felt.


So Daddy, I've had some deep thoughts, stress, and guilt. The next time we talk on the phone, I expect you to snap me out of it and tell me to: "Go gettum tiger!" I want to get out of this cheek-chewing phase, and be positive! I can't have the NaComLeavMo'ers think I'm a Debbie Downer...but tell me ladies (and gents): do you chew, bite, kick, scream when you are stressed?

I have my baseline ultrasound later this morning...not to brag, but check out my RE's star-studded staff!

Oh! Isn't it good luck if a bird poops on you? Well, it didnt actually poop on me but it pooped on my windshield this morning. Having bird poo fly at you at 60 miles an hour is disgusting.



Hmm, I wrote a note to myself yesterday for a blog post: Temptation. Now I have no idea why I wrote it down. Am I tempted to throw in the towel? Am I tempted to cry? Am I tempted to eat all the chocolate in my house?

90 comments:

  1. Rebecca @ Clumsy KissesMay 29, 2008 at 7:29 AM

    I chew the inside of my bottom lip when stressed, and suck on it when contented.

    I can't imagine myself pregnant either. Not one tiny little bit.

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  2. I head straight for the bathtub. I have no clue why. It's strange. I'm sure there are other nervous habits, but I have no clue what they are.

    I wish you strength. Hang in there.

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  3. I never could imagine myself pregnant, either...but you know what? It happens. I think you should cry and eat chocolate, but never throw in the towel!

    And I scratch the inside of my ears. If my ears become scabby (gross) and bloody, I know I've been stressed out for some reason.

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  4. I'm sorry you're under so much stress all at once - it certainly makes cycling even more difficult than it already is. I think visualizing being pregnant is a challenge for most infertiles. I can imagine you being pregnant even if you can't!

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  5. I chew the inside of my bottom lip when I'm reading or stressed. It's a horrid habit that I need to stop. I can imagine all the wrinkles I am developing as I contort my mouth.

    I can't imagine us with a baby. It's hard for me to believe that anything will work and that we'll take a baby home.

    I'm sorry about the money troubles and the surgery issues for Mook. I hope both situations are resolved soon.

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  6. I am pregnant and I still have trouble realizing that I am. And I feel like a freak for that.

    I don't really crew on anything - I knit. Obsessivly. Last IVF cycle, I started and finished a shawl that took over 100 hours of knitting.

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  7. I clench my teeth.

    I too couldn't imagine myself pregnant and when I did get pregnant, I couldn't believe it. It really hit me when we saw the first ultrasound. Of course, all of the hoping and waiting I think really set me up for the fall when we miscarried.

    I would tell you not to worry about it, not to dwell, but only you can do that. Hugs.

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  8. I bite my fingernails and chew the inside of my cheeks ... when i am stressed, overwhelmed etc.

    I have no idea if this helps at all - but I am pregnant- and never imagined myself actually ever receiving 2 lines, nor getting to see u/s, andnnow that i am approaching delivery, I still cannot envision me with a child. I swear, It's bizaare but the truth.


    i absolutely HATE that this journey involves money - as if the other stresser's weren't enough to put us over the edge.. let's add in livelyhood and salaries....

    You are getting lots and lots of my thoughts today for you and Mooks upcoming dr's appointments

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  9. I chew the inside of my cheeks too! Sgt's deployments, cycling, military posting messages, you name it. Stress is the trigger for me.

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  10. I'm a teeth grinder, have been since I was a wee tot and it has only managed to get to its very worst imaginable form since I met my special friend, Infertility. (I call her Inni for short) It sucks because I don't even realize I am doing it most of the time, especially when I am SLEEPING. It wakes Husband up and he has to shake me out of it.
    Thanks to my damned grinding I've now had 2 crowns and 1 root canal and one wicked case of TMJ all by the tender age of 28. Sigh.
    I am thinking of you, as always, and praying that these stresses will work themselves out. Please give Mook hugs from me, heartburn on a grand scale is absolute torture and my heart goes out to him!
    *hugs*

    oh, and ps, I am with you... I firmly believe that second line on a HPT is so much fiction.

    sigh.

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  11. JJ....I could never imagine it either. I'd have dreams of babies. And one time of being pregnant with sextuplets. But never a normal beautiful situation.

    When I'm nervous ticks are actual ticks - hives - scratching.

    I hope the chewing leaves you because the stress disapates.

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  12. You wouldn't be human if big life events which all converge at once didn't stress you out. And top it off with worrying about money..That's why alcohol was invented. (Notice I didn't say recreational drugs.) Hang in there, JJ. It will work itself out...all of it.

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  13. Weird - I do the same thing. You have a lot going on right now, but one thing you shouldn't worry about is imagining yourself pregnant. I couldn't either. It's so weird (in a good way) to be pregnant. You will find out,though - I KNOW it!!

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  14. Firstly, I'm so very sorry about your husband's impending surgery.... and that he has to wait so long after EXPECTING it to be now. I hate when they do things like that.

    Secondly, the financials..... just say UGH.

    To your third reason? That's exactly the way I have felt. (Yes, even when it was my u/s just yesterday). I would cynically see others and try to make a comment to keep my heart from hurting so much. I could never see me being that happy. I could never see success. Even now, I hvae to fight fear on an hourly level that it can turn out ok. Knocked down too many times to really believe there is an "up". I just feel for you, putting out all this time, energy, emotions, finances, and your very heart - with no promise of success. All I can say is, I want this to happen for you SO much and I am cheering you on.

    And yay for the baseline!

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  15. I can't imagine myself pregnant or even a mom. It's something that other people are lucky enough to have, while I look in from the outside.

    I clench my jaw and toss and turn at night.

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  16. I pace, seriously like a lion in a cage pace, it's compulsive obsessive pacing.
    I could never ever imagine myself pregnant, not for years, not until after our first IVF and freeze all of the embryos.
    Now, every single night, I force myself to imagine myself pregnant, various stages, and with a new born, and with children.
    It's forced, but, i think it helps, now I can finally see it after years of not being able to, now I can see it without even a lot of work.

    Sorry to hear of the money issues, money is a pain.

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  17. i still can't imagine myself pregnant, that s how far i removed myself from the whole idea. luckily, this has nothing to do with whether you will.

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  18. I'm a cheek chewer as well...there have been times I've chewed to blood. It's kinda gross, but I do it without realizing it.

    Go have some chocolate!

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  19. This, "Since I have never even seen the slightest shade of a 2nd line on a HPT, I have no knowledge of what that feeling is like" is me too. I just can't imagine it, cuz it doesn't seem like it'll happen. It's hard when everyone else seems to be moving on and we're still here.

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  20. Try as I might, I haven't been able to visualize myself pg either. I'm convinced that I have some sort of psychic intuition which clues me in when something is or isn't about to happen. So it's scary that I can't see myself pg.

    My nervous thing: I zone. I can't concentrate on anything when I'm overwhelmed and then I procrastinate, which makes it all ten times worse. Oh, and I eat. Ugh!

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  21. I chew my cheeks in my sleep and grind my teeth When I wake up - and i'm sorry but this is gross - sometimes i have loose skin in my mouth. I TOLD you it was gross!

    I could never imagine myself pregnant. I'd never had those 2 lines in my life. I was worried that it had come all about the process for me and that the end goal - the baby - had sort of got lost on the way.

    Good luck with your scan - you'll get there! When it happens you still can't quite imagine it.

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  22. I grind my teeth (loudly enough to keep other people awake) and chew my cheeks.

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  23. I clench my jaw, which results in major tension in my neck and has ended up in a referral to a chiropractor.

    And yes, the pregnancy, it is hard to imagine when I've never even been close to two lines... But I pray we end up receiving more than we can ask or imagine!

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  24. Oh sweetie, I chew my cheek too. And today, I'll chew mine for you. I don't have a ton of sage advice (do I ever? Answer: no), but I am damn sorry. I hate it when things all pile up at once.

    (told you I was going to be bad like the bad smell that I am)

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  25. I pick at my lips when I'm stressed/thinking. It's a gross habit and I end up using more lip gloss than is entirely necessary. But I feel ya - I cannot fathom being pregnant or delivering a child. I do know that we'll have a child someday, by some means, but I hope my feeling isn't a foreboding...

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  26. I'm here with a pack of gum so you'll leave your cheeks alone. And a hug. And a drink.

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  27. I chew my cheeks and my bottom lip, but I don't think it's connected to stress. I'm not sure!

    I'm there with you. I can't imagine ever actually being pregnant... seeing a pee-stick light up positive... having that overjoyed feeling and sharing it with my husband. I think for a while I could imagine it, but not anymore.

    I hope you get some relaxation soon and de-stress soon!

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  28. I drink vodka when I am stressed...
    or wine. or eat oreos.

    I think eating the inside of your mouth actually sounds healthy- as long as you don't chew right through.

    Hope ALL goes well at the baseline.
    thinking of you, sweetie.

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  29. I find myself also cheek chewing occasionally. Sending you some big hugs today!

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  30. Hi, I'm Kristen. I'm a fellow cheek chewer. Do they have CC Anonymous?

    Even when I did get those 2 pink lines, it was hard for me to believe. And now, at the final stretch, I still have moments where I don't believe it will end up with a real live baby. It is just so awe-inspiring. Really now words to describe how it will feel. I can't wait to read your thoughts about it WHEN it happens for you. XOXO

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  31. I clench my teeth. Do it often while I sleep, but when I get really stressed I do it during the day too. Gives me monster headaches. I have a lovely mouth guard to wear at night, which my husband says makes me look like a boxer - lovely! No doubt someday it will lead me to have to have gum surgery as all that clenching makes my gums recede.

    Sorry you're feeling so stressed out! Take care

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  32. Temptation... could it have been the lovely version Ms. Piggy did of the classic song? No? Uh, sorry.

    I can't for the life of me imagine myself pregnant, except in odd fleeting moments. Fortunately, that doesn't seem to be necessary to actually achieve pregnancy.

    But then, what do I know about that? :)

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  33. I have a flap of cheek muscle on the inside because I've chewed it for the same reasons since forever. After 5 years of trying I just can't ever see it happening. Oh sure, I'll pee on the stick, not like it's going to change attitude.

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  34. Count me as another cheek-chewer, though actually, I tend to only do it while I'm driving, esp. on long distance drives while I'm really in the zone, mulling something over. I'll suddenly realize that my jaw is tired and hurting because I've been chewing on my cheek!

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  35. Oh I just have a complete anxiety attack and have trouble breathing when I'm too stressed.

    Geez, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all this shit. The money thing is tough and I've been through that myself. I think that was the one thing that made everything feel a hundred times worse than it should have. Money sucks. And FYI, Steve and I are VERY snappy at each other when it comes to money issues. You're not alone on that one.

    Good luck at your baseline u/s!

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  36. I chew my lip when I'm thinking through a problem. I never notice it until it starts hurting though.

    I'm sorry that you're feeling stressors from all directions. *Hugs*

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  37. I either stare straight ahead and go semi-catatonic or I wring my hands incessantly (sp?).

    Money sucks, and I can't see myself ever getting pregnant either. You're not alone....

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  38. I bite my tongue whenever I'm stressed or thinking hard about something.

    As for not imagining yourself pregnant, I was there as well. I'm also pregnant now and still feel like I'm looking at someone else's sonogram on my fridge. Perhaps it's because I'm not showing yet, or the whole IF thing. I dunno. I think it won't be real until I'm holding the baby.

    Thinking of you and keeping all appendages crossed for good luck!

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  39. As many have already said...I couldn't imagine myself pregnant before it actually happened either. Honestly, even after the first time, I couldn't imagine myself pregnant a second time...it's very strange.

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  40. oh jj, I hope you find a moment to quit that chewing and remember to breathe deep...

    I'm a jaw clencher myself, gives me wicked headaches. thankfully my hub helps work those out with some seriously strong skilled hands. also helps with the clenched shoulders...

    I also HATE that money is even an issue. it just sucks sucks sucks that money gets in the way. I hope it all comes together for you.

    and poor mook, please wish him well from his virtual fan club.

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  41. I bite my cuticles, until they are bloody and ragged. Nice, no?

    We've also been looking into a home equity line of credit. Not as easy to get as they once were! In case this is at all helpful, I'll share our experience. Our mortgage lender told us that they aren't writing those loans at the moment - ! His suggestion was to approach our financial institution (difft bank). In the meantime, we got an offer from our credit card bank (yet another bank), and that's who we're going with. I would not have thought about that bank as an option if they hadn't mailed the offer.

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  42. I admit it, I chew my cheeks, lips, all along the inside of my mouth. I usually do it when I'm stressed and most of the time I don't realize I'm doing it until either a)someone points it out or b)I realize how sore my mouth is. My hubby always gets irritated with me about it, but it's something I just can't seem to quit.

    I also rub my earlobes...man, I'm a weirdo. While driving, talking to someone, watching t.v....whenever, but usually if I'm either stressed or have a lot on my mind.

    As for the idea of imagining yourself pregnant...does it make sense that I can't imagine myself that way either? Is it bad for me to feel that way? Don't throw in the towel...You are in my thoughts every day and you can get through this.

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  43. All legitimate reasons to cheek chew.. Hope mook resolves the sx thing, money totally sux and I can't say enoug, how much I hate it b/c sadly it rules the world, and imagining being pg, I'm with you! I can never picture getting those two lines. Blah. I bite my nails. So bad right now everytime MIL sees me, I get a "omg!!! Look at your nails!" Oh well, we've got stress!

    Hope yours goes away, soon!

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  44. I just get really grumpy.

    No one can really tell.

    Good luck to Mook. Poor guy.

    Here's a mojito...my cureall

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  45. Yes, I chew, too. On the inside of my cheeks & lips. Even when I'm telling myself not to cuz someone is looking directly at me.

    Glad to know someone else does, too! :)

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  46. I wish I could give you the magical words to give up your stressors. ~hugs~

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  47. I think we might be twins separated at birth...we're both electric superheros AND cheek chewers (how come they haven't made a movie about us). I've had dentists yelling at me for years. Apparently I do it mostly in my sleep when I'm stressed (read as the last 3 years)

    Sorry you're in a cheek chewing place right now, especially the money crap. I hate what it does to us, I wish I understood insurance companies

    Hugs to you and Mook!

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  48. I pick at the skin on my lips when I am stressed. I was actually doing it for you while I was reading.

    Heck, I am pregnant right now and I am having the hardest time believing it. I keep waiting to wake up. Don't feel guilty, totally normal. (At least I think it is. Should I start feeling guilty?)

    I hope Mook gets his surgery soon and he feels better soon. July 1st is not ASAP. Stupid doctors.

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  49. I chew my bottom lip all the time!

    That is a lot to be stressed about. I know what you mean about not imagining being pregnant. It's kind of like the last minute thought, "can I really handle this?" I have that with some frequency.

    So sorry for Mook - hope the surgery works for him!

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  50. I chew my cuticles when I get really nervous, sad or anxious. I remember getting in trouble for doing that. Well, now I am an adult and I don't get in trouble anymore so I think I do it more! Ugh!

    I did want to tell you that we too get frustrated over finances! I hope all works out well and I am sure it will. You will be in my prayers.

    Keep us posted!

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  51. Hugs my friend, you have a lot on your mind now... Hopefuly it will get easier soon

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  52. I grind my teeth in my sleep. It's bad. A few of my molars are a little loose because of it.

    I can't imagine myself pregnant either. I said in one of my recent posts, that I am pregnancy ignorant and I really am.

    Sorry about your worries. I hope a good talk with dad helps. It's great that you can talk to him. My dad runs at the mention of words like uterus, and in vitro.

    :)

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  53. oh i definatly pick at my fingernails when i am nervous and bite down really hard on my teeth - so much that my jaw hurts.

    sending you lots of positive vibes and strength.

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  54. I chew the inside of my cheeks too! It's worse when I'm streed but I do it all the time regardless. I'm always afraid I'll give myself mouth cancer or something but I can't stop!

    Sorry about Mook's doctors. :-( Sounds a lot like military healthcare to me; any way they can find to make the process more involved and painful, they will find it.

    I DO think you should eat all the chocolate in your house. Just sayin'.

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  55. Oh, JJ, I'm sorry! You know,
    I couldn't imagine myself pregnant after three years of IF and six IUI's either. As we slogged through our IVF/ICSI cycle (almost six years ago, done for male factor too), I just KNEW it couldn't work. I was never, ever going to get pg. Never.
    Well, I just finished reading the fiftieth bedtime story for my almost five year old son, so I guess I was really, really wrong. I still don't believe it actually happened. May you be surprised in the very same way!!

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  56. Snap! I am a cheek chewer as well. Glad to hear that I'm not the only person that does it.

    Sorry you have so much fodder for chewing, JJ

    J

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  57. I chew my cheeks and lips to the point that they are raw. Stress, boredom, fatigue, guilt....

    Best wishes with the surgery, loan, and getting pg!!

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  58. I grind my teeth when I sleep when I'm stressed. I also talk in my sleep in Polish! As for the not being able to imagine yourself pregnant, I never could either. And now that the pregnancy is over, I still can't believe it was me in my belly pics...so surreal! And I still can't believe these babes are mine...the disbelief just doesn't end, I promise!

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  59. I eat. Not the best of responses. I also get crabby which doesn't win me any brownie points either. I hope the loan stuff gets figured out soon. And boo on doctors who want to make more money by scheduling extra unneeded appointments. Although thanks to mook for the twig and berries part of his post which gave me a great chuckle. I needed that.

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  60. I am a nail biter through and through. I think I even do it in my sleep. Makes for some nasty looking hands. :0(

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  61. hi! i just found your blog so i thought i'd leave a comment. we are going on 2 years of ttc. anyway, can you get me an appt w/ your office?! i just love the staff! and, i don't chew my cheeks, but i do peel my nails down til they bleed and/or i get wicked hang nails. sigh....

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  62. I can't picture myself pregnant either. I don't know if it's a 'sign' that it will never happen or if it's just self-preservation.

    I pick at the skin around the sides of my fingernails. It's disgusting and unattractive. I think we all have silly things we do when we're stressed.

    You're in my thoughts. It's not an easy time (understatement of the year, I'm sure). I wish you all the best.

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  63. Sorry the insides of your mouth are raw. Sounds like you have a lot going on that does require a good cheek-chew, though. I hope Mook gets some relief very soon.

    And in the words of the great Cyndi Lauper - money changes everything or at least would make most stress a lot less if they had a little more. Hope the loan works out, too. Thinking of you.

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  64. I destroy my thumbs when I'm stressed. I pick at the skin with my other fingers - and don't even have a clue that I do it until I've ripped a lot of the skin right off! Nasty, I know.

    The things that mean the most, that are so desperately wanted, are highly elusive, aren't they? I hope you get your pregnancy soon!

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  65. Sweet JJ, you speak to my heart. I feel/have felt exactly the way you do. Worrying about dh's,money, and never really grasping the feeling of pregnancy. I am so right with you, you just put it in such great words. I have some friends that tell me, they just know deep down, that we will be parents some day. Don't know how, don't know when, but it will be. So I keep that in my bonnet and when I feel like being engulfed in a giant wave and being taken out to sea, I think, okay if this doesn't work, I gave it a damn good shot and now we are on to something different. I very much identify with you on the chewing cheeks thing. I clinch my jaw which gives me a headache. Also, my nerves manifest into chronic hives that I have to actually take medication for. LOVELY! We all handle it in a different way, but thank God, we can handle it and we can make it. You've got tons of friends out here rooting you on GF! Lots of Hugs!

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  66. My neck and shoulders get locked into a tight and very painful position. I'm not even sure how I do it until one day I wake up in significant discomfort.

    sorry you're having such a rough go. i could never imagine myself pregnant either...

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  67. I eat. I go back and forth between salty and sweet. Not so good for the waist line - luckily it doesn't happen too often!

    Thanks for visiting - yes, we are planning many more trips to the beach - and tons of photos! That is if my kids don't hide my camera!

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  68. I chew my lips when I am stressed! And I have often thought about your #3 as well. I am starting to think differently, but I can understand where you are coming from!

    Here from NaComLeavMo

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  69. When you've tried so long with not even one +ve test, it is hard to believe it can happen. I am working on it.

    I chew the skin *beside* my nails, but not my nails. Odd.

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  70. I am a TOTAL cheek chewer. and a lip biter. not so pretty when they start to bleed (sorry TMI.) and a jaw clencher. stressed much!

    I could never imagine myself pregnant either. all 4 of my IVFs became sort of routine -- "maintenance." when I finally got my bfp I didn't know what to do with myself. I had some serious injection withdrawal.

    your time will come. I know it! :)

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  71. I am thinking of you and wishing you peace and strength.

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  72. whether you can imagine yourself pregnant or not, you will have a child in your home. so, why does it matter? : )
    i never could imagine any of it0the belly, the whatever and before you know it (well two years: )here i am.

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  73. I HAVE had a bird poop on me. Twice. Once, I had a publisher visit (I work in magazine publishing industry), I was taking her out for lunch. We were waiting out by my car for a co-worker to join us, and SPLAT. A Seagul crapped all over my nice outfit. I was so embarassed!!!!! It was on my shoulder and in my hair!! I had to excuse myself, go back into the office, stick my head under the tap, wash the crap out of my hair, whip my top off & hand-wash it in the sink. There was NOTHING ELSE I could do! I had to go to the lunch meeting. Luckilly they laughed with my, and told them that a bird pooping on you is a sign there is money coming your way. Didn't see any of it. Another time a seagull crapped on the ground close to my feet, and it spashed all over me. Not nice.

    I grind my teeth in my sleep when I'm stressed. (I have TMJ) so I have a mouthguard... which I tend to forget to wear at night.

    Yay for a good baseline u/s!!!

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  74. I chew on the side of my tongue, so my jaw juts out to the side and my chin juts forward. It's not attractive. My brother calls it "chewing my cud". I always do this when concentrating, mulling, worrying, et cetera.

    I couldn't imagine myself pregnant before it happened. Now I can't picture myself pregnant again. I have hope it will happen for both of us though.

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  75. I chew and bite my nails when I am stressed (or bored for that matter).

    I am sorry about the financial stress--I have been there (not because of infertility, but because of my husband being laid off). It is hard when the future is uncertain (in so many ways). And I am stressing a bit about our finances too--I think everyone is right now. I just usually tell myself it will work out somehow.

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  76. I tend to pick at the skin on my lips when I'm stressed. Lovely habit as I usually end up bleeding.

    I know exactly what you mean about not being able to picture yourself pregnant. How do you know what to expect out of something you've never experienced? It's almost like trying to picture yourself as a man. Or as an alien. Even with the blood tests, ultrasound, aches and pains and constant nausea, it still doesn't feel real to me.

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  77. I pick at my finger nails. If all of my nails are super short, you know I'm really stressed.

    I also wanted to say that I also couldn't imagine myself pg until I finally made it to the 2nd trimester... I think it's normal for people who experience IF.

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  78. I just wanted to give you some (hugs) I'm sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.

    I do know what you feel about not imagining yourself pregnant. And one we did get pregnant. I couldn't believe it and I was waiting for something to go wrong.

    Love how infertility screws us.
    (((hugs)))

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  79. I'm so sorry that you had to go back to cheek chewing. I don't do it much, but both my father and my husband do. (Don't they say you marry your father? Ew, that sounds kind of gross, hehe). I pick at my cuticles. Sometimes my husband catches me and is like, "stop it." I hope things turn around soon for Mook. I'll be thinking of you girl!

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  80. Hey there! I chew the sides of my cheeks when I get stressed, nervous, etc. You're not alone!

    I hope things turn out okay for Mook. Bless his heart!

    And fwiw, I've never seen 2 lines on a hpt either. I do wonder if I ever will. I hope we both do, though!

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  81. I had that same feeling quite a few times--the one where you can't see yourself as being pregnant and thus you convince yourself that it is impossible as a result. It's not impossible, I promise you that. Hang in there! Sending lots of NC HUGS your way!!! :)

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  82. I am a cheek chewer also. In fact, I was so nervous on our wedding day that I look like a freak in our wedding video - chewing away! lol

    And about reason #3 - I felt *EXACTLY* the same way. Heck, I STILL feel that way and I am PG now. Sometimes I even think I have made the whole thing up (ultrasounds and all). I don't think it's something you ever get over until you are holding the beautiful little one...but the day will come. ((hugs))

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  83. ahh JJ, we're humans living in a human world. What to do? When I'm stressed, I'm not sure what I do. I think I just detach and humour/sarcasm my way through the moment. Yes, avoidance may be my middle name

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  84. It sounds like you certainly have a lot on your mind right now. Infertility is difficult enough on its own; having to worry about money and other issues on top of that can make things unbearably stressful. I hope things begin to fall into place for you very soon! :)

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  85. I am a cheek chewer, too. You certainly have a few valid reasons for chewing right now.

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  86. Hey again! I'm loving your blog!! Hope you don't mind if I add you to my blogroll. :)

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  87. I have faith that it will happen for you. I believe that bird poop is good luck. Keep gum with you. I chew my cheeks too and it helps. I guess I have some sort of leftover need to do something since I used to suck my thumb.

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  88. I'm a jaw clencher and teeth grinder. Sometimes the clenching results in bad stress headaches.
    When you see that second line, there is no predicting exactly how you feel but 'good' will probably be in there somewhere...

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  89. JJ, I can so relate to #3, more than you know. It makes perfect sense to me and I am so glad you wrote it down. I think I could do a whole post just on that alone. Thank you for sharing that.

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  90. I chew on my cheeks too and for some of the same reasons. I can imagine myself pregnant but it always seems like in the future. And I mean way future. I know once I do get pregnant I will have a hard time believing it.

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