Wednesday, April 9, 2008

an unfulfilled birthday

I got out your picture this morning.

I remember the first time I saw the two of you--by far, the prettiest thing I have ever seen! A part of me, and a part of your dad all nestled together; growing into these tiny forms of life.

Riding home from the doctor's office, your dad and I talked about the amazing people you would grow up to be--of course we promised we wouldn't pressure either of you into becoming a doctor or a rocket scientist--just wanted you to be happy.

I talked to you both every day for the time you spent living in me--I told you how much we loved you and how thankful we were for giving us a chance to become your parents.
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Your dad and I sat in your room for a long time the day we found out we wouldn't get a chance to meet you. We held your picture, and imagined what life would have been like in nine months...

I've missed the time you would have spent growing inside me...I've missed not planning for your arrival. We miss you often, but especially today...

Today is your birthday, Pearl & Jam. It's a tough day for your dad and me-we wanted so much to be holding you today. We will spend time tonight in the same room we sat in nine months ago; we'll have a glass of wine, put on some music and we'll tuck you back into our memory-box.

73 comments:

  1. You made me cry, again.
    You are so beautiful. I am so sad for this day, for the fact that you have to feel any of this. You and Mook will be in my thoughts throughout today.
    *hugs*

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  2. Oh, JJ. I ache with you for this unfulfilled birthday. This post is a lovely commemoration of Pearl and Jam. I hope you and Mook can find comfort together today.

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  3. Do you know I keep wondering what to do with my embryo(s) picture from this last failure. Its the only photo we have been given, and now I have no idea what to do. We can't put in our scrapbook along with the used sports tickets, the used theatre tickets and the souvenirs from foreign trips...it just doesnt seem right. But I can't seem to get my head around throwing it away. Maybe I will hide it somewhere safe.

    Pearl and Jam...never to be forgotten xx

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  4. Today, I celebrate with you those two little lives and so wish they were here with you.

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  5. *hugs* Thinking of you today.

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  6. You are all in my thoughts today. I will remember your little ones with you.

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  7. What a sad and beautiful post. I wish I could come give you a great big hug right now. You are in my thoughts.

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  8. You both will be in my thoughts today.

    Hugs.

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  9. I'm holding you and Mook and your two little spirits in my heart today.

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  10. It's hard thinking of what might have been, but I think it's nice that you commemorate it.
    Take care!

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  11. It's tough isn't it? And the questions can't be answered, why didn't they stick? Was there something wrong with them, with me? I share your concerns about next steps. What if chromosomal testing indicates that it's not meant to be or what if PGD rules everything (everyone) out. Still, I continue to admire your good spirits and grace through this.

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  12. I am thinking of your family today

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  13. Those unfulfilled birthdays sure are tough. Feeling sad with you my dear. May there only be fulfilled bdays in the future.

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  14. JJ and Mook, I am so sad for you today. You are both in my prayers!

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  15. So sucky, just isn't fair for anyone. I'm so sorry.

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  16. Oh gosh...I'm so sorry. That was terribly sad.

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  17. Oh, sweetie, what a sad day indeed. I'm so sorry. I'll be thinking of you.

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  18. I wish today didn't have to be so hard. You, Mook, and P&J are in my thoughts today.

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  19. I'm thinking of you and Mook....

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  20. I am so sorry, sweetie. What a sad, missing-filled day.

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  21. ~hugs~

    That was simply beautiful.

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  22. Lots of hugs from a fellow Pearl Jam fan.

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  23. So many hugs coming your way. It is always so hard to look back and think of all that could be. I'll be thinking of you today. XOXO

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  24. I'm so sorry. Prayers for peace being sent up for you & Mook

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  25. i'm so sorry, jj. my thoughts are with you and mook.

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  26. Such a sad, but incredibly beautiful post. The part about tucking you in made me cry.

    I am so sorry that this happened to you and Mook and that you have to celebrate an unfulfilled birthday, but know that I'm celebrating along with you.

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  27. Hugs...days like this just make me so sad that so many wonderful women have to go through them.

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  28. So beautiful! What a beautiful way to remember your little ones. HUGS to you. I know this day is super hard for you. Just love on each other tonight.

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  29. Oh, JJ. They are not forgotten.

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  30. Thinking about you and Mook, JJ.

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  31. What a beautiful tribute. I am so sorry that these two are not here with you today in all the ways you dreamed about. My heart goes out to you both.

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  32. I love that you have their picture, though I know it hurts especially on days like today but I hope that it helps you to heal to see them.
    Thinking of you both...

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  33. I know I already told you I would be thinking of ya'll, but you are really on my heart tonight.
    Sending you love from my little spot in this world.

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  34. i'm so sorry you're not celebrating with balloons and cake. I wish you were. I'm thinking of you and your husband and wishing things were different for you.
    you wrote a beautiful post.

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  35. Yep, in tears now. Of course Idol Gives Back almost made me cry tonight, but your post definitely did the trick.

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  36. I'm sending you hugs today and good thoughts.

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  37. Such an amazing, beautiful tribute to your little ones. They were obviously very loved.
    ((HUGS))

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  38. My heart aches for you. I felt this pain before of the unfufuilled birthday, and now I've experinced the joy ... and I sure the Joy is coming your way. HUGS

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  39. Oh JJ... I sobbed uncontrollably when I read this.

    Big hugs to you.

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  40. (((hugs))) I'm so sorry you have to feel this. Thinking of you.

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  41. I am so sorry for the unfulfilled birthday. I'm in a similar place right now because one year ago this week, I started stimming for my first IVF cycle. I've been thinking about that every day and the potential that wasn't. We still have our embryo picture, but it's tucked away.

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  42. I'm a day late now, but just wanted to send you some more hugs. This is a wonderful way to remember and honor Pearl and Jam. I'm thinking of all 4 of you

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  43. Possibilities and hopes are sometimes the hardest things to put down in words. You did a good job.

    Sorry that P&J did not get to know you and Mook--you will make great parents someday.

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  44. Oh JJ, I am so sorry that you have this unfulfilled birthday. I am thinking of you.

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  45. JJ, Words arent enough to express my deepest sympathies to you and Mook. I too commemorated our UN-birthday in March. I know it is hard now, but I pray that this journey makes you stronger and that the days to come bring you nothing but joy and happiness. Today is a new day and you are on the road with some good plans for another go at it. Know you are thought of often, and the prayers never cease. I'm proud to call you friend. HUGS, ~H

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  46. that's so very, very sad. and difficult. I'm thinking of you and mook today.

    (big hug)

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  47. I thought about you and Mook all day yesterday and you've been on my mind today. You are both in my prayers!

    We have never gotten as far as you with the embryos and I know how much I was hurting after each failed attempt. I can't even imagine what you're feeling today.

    Sending you a hug! = )

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  48. This post is a beautiful tribute to your two little ones. I hope you and Mook got to spend the evening just how you planned.

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  49. I'm sobbing, JJ. I am so sorry...thinking of you.

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  50. Sending lots of HUGS your way. Love ya, girl!

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  51. What a fantastic post -- and a great commemoration of so much.

    Strange, the more time that goes by, the more I think about my little 9-week bean that never went anywhere. That ultrasound photo gets more and more painful to look at, which surprises me. Isn't it supposed to ge easier?

    It is so strange how we, for the first time in human history, are left with this photographic evidence of these brief, very precious lives. It makes it seem more real, yet at the same time opens up a whole new window to the possibilities that were lost.

    Thinking of you on this birthday!

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  52. I am so sorry, and crying too, for you, for me, for every one of us with unfulfilled dreams.

    I wish you only love and peace.

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  53. JJ,

    I am sorry that those little embryos didn't make it. Today must be hard,

    J

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  54. Once again, well said. I'm not brave enough to go back into my memory box. ~hugs~

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  55. Thinking of you & sending big (((hugs))) your way.

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  56. You have me crying...like so many times in the past. I'm so sorry that such a nice person like you has to be dealt such a difficult hand. I'll be thinking of you and Mook today.

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  57. You always have such wonderful post...most of the time they bring tears in my eyes! This was a great in memory of post. Your always in my thoughts!

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  58. I'm holding you in my heart.

    xo
    Flicka

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  59. Oh honey. Beautiful post. I was just telling DH today that I have been feeling increasingly sad of the six kids we lost - embryos that never implanted. The six swirlings of both DH and I into beautiful embryos. It hurts.

    I hope the love and support of Mook carries you through this day.

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  60. JJ, I don't really have any words to say...

    Thinking of you...

    ((hugs))

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  61. What a beautiful dedication to Pearl and Jam xo

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  62. I hope you found comfort in each other.

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  63. I'm sorry such anniversaries exist, and I'm sorry there is one for you.

    My thoughts are with you.

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  64. I am so sorry that you never got to meet your little ones and that the plans that you made for them are not to be....I think of my little 5 all the time and the pain is still as fresh as ever.

    I can only hope that soon there will be joy and that your memories of them will always be there but your heart will be so full of love that the pain will start to heal.

    I wish you the very best that life has to offer sweetie because you and Mook really deserve it!

    Much love and big big hugs xxx

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  65. JJ,
    I remember little Pearl and Jam. Keep them close to your heart. They will help you through the next chapter.

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